"Man, Do you have any idea what I'd do to be able to draw like that? - Anything but study and practice I mean."
- Me
Self control. It's always been my weakness. Weakness? No, it's been my fucking Nemesis. You really just have to look at me to see that I have problems with self control, but it goes far beyond just the physical.
I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I feel like I'm a lot of wasted potential. I could really be someone neat, but it would require some self-deprivation. I could learn to play guitar, if I could make myself sit through the boring stuff at first, where you really can't play anything good, and your fingers hurt like hell. I think I've got a decent personality, and I've got a lot of love and care to give, I could maybe date more, have a girlfriend, hell-even get remarried someday, IF I could get some exercise and stop eating when I don't need to. I could be a lot better at my job, I could get promoted, move up, make more $, if I could make myself study stuff I'm not really very interested in. I'd even like to write more here on my blog, if I didn't crave the instant relief of silly entertainment after work.
You get the point, though I could go on. Tons of potential, zero motivation. That's me to a 'T'. I've been thinking a lot about it lately. I've felt bad. Bad about myself, like I'm dying by degrees and yet not willing to stop it. I feel like time is slipping by me and I only care enough to be sad about it. I've been trying to figure out why.
I think it started, like so much else, with my depression. I eventually got to a point where I was so down that anything, anything, that required even a little discomfort got to be too much. I was already feeling like hammered crap, how could I willingly subject myself to more discomfort? I was at my limit already. just like being fat, I didn't get this lazy overnight. I can remember doing lots of things that I didn't have to do, things that were work, but still seemed worth it.
It seems natural, I can follow the progression. I just woke up one morning and realized that I didn't want to do anything that I didn't absolutely have to. I didn't want to cook, didn't want to read for anything but pleasure, talk on the phone, be social, be crafty, go out to a movie, learn, exercise, pay bills on time. You get the picture.
So that's where I'm stuck right now. I can't seem to build up any motivation to undergo any discomfort for possible long term reward. I guess part of the problem is that I felt like the promise of long term reward wasn't being kept. I don't really believe that I'll ever be thin or athletic again. Don't really believe in love or romance like I used to.
The things that used to drive me - family, church, love - just aren't there anymore. I really hate this feeling because it makes me feel weak, like less of a man in all honesty. Compounding the issue is that being lazy or eating pays off NOW. It's guaranteed. The other stuff is all maybes. I hate maybes. Do all this uncomfortable stuff, and maybe you'll feel better, in time, maybe.
So... that's where I am right now, stuck-stagnant. I guess part of me is waiting for life to throw me a freebie. Give me a little something to kick start me. (Meme, spiritual Motorcycle...ok maybe spiritual Moped) I know there are some who think this (freebies) never happens, but life is random enough that sometimes it does, deserved or not. The good(?) news is that the best part of me knows that's a pretty sucky long term plan. I've been looking for some other guidance - even if it's from within myself- but so far it's been all quiet on the willpower front.
So... there it is, the big reason why I haven't updated much. I'm not really looking for answers (though I certainly wouldn't mind any helpful suggestions) just getting it all out on paper. I have 3 unfinished posts that I started and never got up here for various reasons. If I can't finish them soon I may just fling them up here anyway.
Meme
Followers
5 comments:
The most insidious thing about depression is the way it lies to you - it tells you that you feel this way because you're a terrible person, you deserve it, or that the world is really such a terrible place and there's no point in even trying. It's all such a lie, and it's really an illness and not some great personal insight. I read this and all I feel like I'm hearing is depression telling its usual lies.
I can't offer any help with that - I know that it's useless to have someone tell you, "hey, cheer up, snap out of it!" when you're depressed. I can't even really say for sure that this is what's going on with you, since I'm not a professional and even if I was, a blog post is not a source for diagnosis.
All I can say is what helped me - first, medication and then, after not wanting to be on medication anymore, learning to identify that voice when it piped up ("I'm a useless lazy person, oh god no one likes me, I'm fat and ugly, what's the point in trying when I'm just going to screw up again...") as the liar that it is - to recognize that when that happens, it isn't really me figuring out ugly truths about the world and myself but elf-reinforcing lies cooked up by some unpleasant neurochemistry and amplified by ego.
that should be "self-reinforcing" though I think "elf-reinforcing" is a really funny typo.
Hmm, sounds like quite the funk you've got going there.
I'll agree with Nettle that someonr else saying "Snap out of it" doesn't really work, but the intent behind the comment is pure.
One thing that worked for me to snap out of my own depressed feelings was to find a hobby. Perhaps your art/clay/etching thing, if you were still doing that? Even just playing some video game, if approached positively "Hey, i'm pretty good at this level now"...
Start small, focus on doing that little thing that may feel kinda pointless in the Large Scheme, but still flexes your creative muscles. Ignore the part of your brain that says it's just a hobby, and cultivate the part of your brain that said "This is kinda fun". It'll work, slowly, but surely.
/hug
Thanks guys, I appreciate the sentiments.
True, Snap out of it is the least helpful suggestion ever.
I'm glad for my medication. Without it this feeling is overwhelming, paralyzing. Right now I still feel it, and am bothered by it, but the meds allow me to... stand outside it a bit, observe it and analyze it, even while I'm experiencing it.
I think a good hobby would help, but again, I run into the time-investment-to-be-good-enough to-enjoy-it thing. You would not believe the tons of stuff I buy to do "art" projects that strike my fancy. Most of it sits unused until I decide I've got too much crap, then it's thrown out. I'm not sure what the solution is.
elf-reinforcing lies: A hex put on someone where the lies they tell are made true by a small troupe of Fae?
I waited a while to comment because I was hoping I'd have something good, helpful, and interesting to say. :) I think I don't. :)
I know that voice, and right now due to the circumstances, mine is acting up quite viciously. My ways of coping don't suit you: I prefer to look for a reason or a thing to learn while I'm in this space, and you prefer not to without scientific/reasonable-to-you proof that there's a reason or something to look for. That's not a slam, just an honest description of how I see our differences.
I think Maebius has a key - just do SOMETHING. Whatever you turn out is better than whatever it was sitting in the package or waiting to be carved. :) I suspect that depression is such a big 'epidemic' right now because we have the time to think about this stuff. :) We don't have to fight to survive as much. If you're genuinely involved in a task, you're not usually thinking about how you feel, and when you're done, you've accomplished something! That's why I quote the dreaded parent comment, "If you're bored, there are chores to do." You get out of your own head for a while, and the chore list went down by a couple.
Are my suggestions fun? Not really. They seem to work for me. (Mostly.)
I know that my voice isn't as loud or as.. ?so very there? as the inner critic's, but I think you're incredibly talented, funny, smart, intelligent, and handsome. Really. I know you're not looking for external validation, but I wanted to offer an opinion about you that comes from outside of you.
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