"I want out of the labels. I don't want my whole life crammed into a single word. A story. I want to find something else, unknowable, some place to be that's not on the map. A real adventure. A sphinx. A mystery. A blank. Unknown. Undefined."
Chuck Palahniuk
Hey! Welcome back.
Thanks so much for waiting around while I enjoyed vacation. Yes, it was nice. I'd needed a break for a while and it was a nice respite from the concerns of every day.
OK. So, where were we last post? Oh yeah...
Next time on "Clever as Crows"! Will our hero find a spiritual label he can be comfortable in? Will he fall into the trap of the evil Plastic Shaman? Will he be overwhelmed by the dread Lord Xenocentrism? Tune in next show, same Crow time, same Crow channel.
Labels. I've never been too comfortable with them. I guess it's because I've never found any label that I felt completely comfortable under. Christian? I never felt it was the only real answer. Man? I still feel like I'll never grow up. Father? I don't feel like I fulfill all the requisites, and I don't think I'll ever feel the equal of my own father. I think you get the point.
So, to get right down to it. What am I? What do I call myself and what label do I suggest to others for me? Complicating the question is my own uncertainty about what I am and my fear of lying to myself about what I am.
I've often joked that I'm the Fox Mulder of spirituality. I want to believe. At the same time I know that I can't lie to myself anymore. If I say I believe in something I want to be able to say it without reservation, and that's become a problem.
I struggle almost daily with my split devotion to the god of Science and the Other. The first doesn't deny the second, but definitely constrains it. If Crow came to me tomorrow and told me that he'd actually given man the sun by stealing it from it's previous owner I'd laugh at him and not believe a word of it. (I think that's what I like about the idea of him best, I think he'd laugh too and say "yeah, it's bullshit, but makes a good story right?")
My friend Nettle recently wrote in her blog that she thinks of herself as a witch, identifies as a druid, but finds both labels problematic, at least when using them to describe herself to others. she says she feels comfortable using Druid because she's a part of an organization that uses that label.
I have a real problem with being a part of any group. For me, asking another person how to find your spirituality is like asking someone else how to be happy.(The number of results for that last link went up by 20,000 while I was writing this post) We're all so fundamentally different I don't think it's possible to get a good answer to a question like that. There are some people who are generally happy doing things I would call "evil". I've met people who live selfless lives and spread happiness everywhere they go and are genuinely happy doing so. I'm only happy in shades of grey, and I suspect most of the world lives there too. I think that the best any teacher (whether that be a person or a group) can do is to help you find ways to find yourself, whatever that might be. I can appreciate that kind of teacher, but I don't find it compelling enough a reason to apply their label to myself.
So, with my split loyalties and my inability to feel like I'm enough like anyone else to feel a part of a community or embrace a creed where does that leave me?
When I think of my spirituality I think of the word Shaman. Like Nettle, I find my label problematic. I'm fully aware that properly a shaman is Northern Asiatic traditional healer. I've checked my family tree; no mongol blood. So, is it OK to still call myself that? I don't have a problem with it, but I know for sure that some other groups do. First Nation activists often use the phrase "Plastic Shaman". I sympathize with them in some ways. Unfortunately there are a lot of gurus (to mis-use another label) who claim to be privy to the spiritual legacy of certain tribes without having any real connection. What if I call myself a Shaman but don't claim a connection to any anyone else's tradition? I don't know if I can argue it logically, but this feels right to me.
A while ago I read Black Elk Speaks, the story of an Oglala Sioux medicine man as told by John Neihardt, who interviewed him. It was fascinating and helpful for several reasons. First, it reinforced the idea that spiritually and religion are so intrinsically tied to culture and personal iconography that I should not feel bad if anyone else's spirituality didn't mean anything to me. His description of his visions are pretty obscure to someone who didn't grow up in his culture at that time. Secondly, his description of other medicine men is fairly enlightening. He mentions that one medicine man got his calling from Cricket. He says that that particular shaman healed by singing. He mentions in the same passage how a bear shaman healed and then relates his own methods of healing, none of which are the same. For him it's perfectly logical, Cricket and Bear are different beings, so of course they work by different means and methods.
For me reading that was a great relief. Here was an "authentic" shaman who basically believed like I do, that the universe speaks to us in the only way it can, as individuals.
Can I call myself a Shaman without falling into xenocentrism? I think I can, but it brings up some interesting questions. If I'm dancing to the beat of my own drum can I say that for me anything goes? That Shaman means anything I want it to? See, I have a problem with that. Words are worthless unless they mean something. Say I ask you to come over and bring the thingy with you. In that sentence "thingy" is absolutely worthless because it could be anything. Sometimes I think that the pagan movement as a whole runs this risk. If Pagan means "anything you want to think or do or believe" then it really doesn't mean anything at all. Or does it? I'd like to hear what you think.
So, when I say "shaman" what do I mean and what do I hope/think others hear when I say it?
What other people think when they hear "shaman" will depend greatly on their background. An anthropologist will probably think one thing, but I think for the majority of the people in my social circle it evokes the idea of someone who communes with nature - and it probably implies because of popular culture the idea of an animal spirit guide and First Nation peoples or traditions. For the most part I'm OK with that. As a brief primer to what I'm feeling it's close, but not perfect by any means. It needs some straightening but it's a starting point. What do you think when you hear it?
When I say shaman it evokes in me the image of someone connected on a spiritual level with the universe. He/she may work through some kind of "intermediary" force, a spirit guide, or not. The physical/metaphysical reality of this intermediary force is inconsequential. To me it feels like a sense of friendship with the universe. I can't command it, I can't change any rules, but I can ask. I can sometimes act as an intermediary, where appropriate, on behalf of someone else. Just like with any of my friends, there are ways to ask that are more polite, more likely to evoke a positive response, and ways to offend. Just like my other friends also each relationship is unique. There are ways I can talk to my friend Wren that could be inappropriate for anyone else. I need to be right with my friend before I can do anything at all. What works for me as a shaman probably won't work for you. Not exactly anyway.
The problem with all of this is that there's a part of me constantly asking myself "am I legitimate"? Do I feel guilty if I use ideas from someone else's cosmology, and then on the other hand feel unqualified to set up my own rules? The first part should be simple for me. If I see something that feels right to me personally I shouldn't worry about whether I'm "authentic" and if any self appointed guardian tells me otherwise I'll say "who the fuck are you to tell me how to talk to god?" I have a feeling that the person who I'll be saying that most to is my own inner critic.
Would I worry that I shouldn't put up art in my house that someone else might disapprove of? Should I worry that a piece that I like isn't "real art"? If I don't worry about that then why would I worry about something more private? It's really no different. Both are personal and exist without any more reason than "I just feel that way". Few would question that (there are always some wankers who will, but see previous paragraph for the appropriate response to them) so why should I worry?
The further I delve into my quest for spirituality the more I discover that more than anything else my own preconceptions are the real walls I have to scale. I used to think this was a bad thing, that I needed to knock down all my walls, and accept whatever came, but I don't think so anymore. I need to find a path that works with me, not against me. Something that's comfortable with me and the shades of grey I live in. It's frustrating as hell though. Wouldn't it be nice to have a religion to pop into, all ready made and as comfy as my favorite chair? Sure, but I'm strange enough that it's not going to happen, and I'm starting to think that's a good thing. If I was comfortable, I might not spend so much time talking to the universe. I wouldn't worry if we were in tune and my magic might die. If I found what I was looking for I'd stop seeking and being a seeker is probably what makes me who I am. I think Crow speaks to me because I'm seeking.
I want to believe. For my old religion that wasn't enough. I had to believe or my faith was in vain. My new faith tells me that it's OK to be unsure about everything, to question, to deny or not accept anything that doesn't feel right. (right, not comfortable mind you) I can never really know what you or the universe feel or think, but I can do my best to develop a friendly relationship with you both. Hell, maybe we could be more than friends.
So that's it. I'm Meme Ghost Crow, and I guess I'm saying to the Universe "How You doin?"
~Meme
